In earbuds… Something Beautiful The Outsiders
Romans 7:15 For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. (So glad Paul understood)
After knowing God, knowing of God and being personally, intimately involved with God…for years and years…insights, personal touches and yes even miracles!…..Only God. The lightbulb is again shinning bright, my heart is being healed…it is all making sense. After a very long look at the mirror of me, the inside me…the me that no one but God knows, the Son is shinning on the scary fear that I have felt on a daily basis and some fear that lays dormant (that I didn’t see or really didn’t want to see). SOmetimes pretending is better, or just easier to deal with “stuff”. (You all understand, right?) One thing I do know for sure is that until you look at your dark scary truth or fear, you cannot possibly allow God to light that little dark area. Once that it is lit, there is nothing left to fear.
After trying so hard (myself) to overcome some form of fear or anxiety or just letting my physical body rule me..Which at times, I would have victory…it would just come back another way, another thing to worry about, to stress about…always taking another form…(I always thought it was so weird) Then the battle would again begin, and of course “with my help, God won” haha! I never really understood why, it seems although the circumstances would be a little different the underlining cause (which I thought was fear) would show itself in another form…only to defeat again (rinse and repeat)..
And as my journey continues, my lightbulb (God’s light) showed me that it really isn’t “fear” in itself..I was just scared/afraid that I was not important enough for God to drop everything,…Hello, there are so many people worse off, so many problems etc…, and help me. (Ok, logically that does not hold water, but this is so not logical). I just needed to trust that He loves me, and that He would drop anything for me. I had to rely on the fact that He has it all under control, that I can let go of my control and it would be ok..No one would hurt me! I am not a bother… Besides, I know that He is in control anyway…but He will not fight me for the control when I take it back from Him..He is a gentleman He will let me have it.. YIKES, and we all know how that can turn out… Let go…I must Let go…I must let go… ((telling myself that everyday))
*sidenote: I was interrupted days ago, while writing this. I felt that I should finish it no matter what but I didnt..I let the interruption come and my writing stopped. For days I have felt uneasy about leaving this at the time that I did. I believe that by not listening to what I will call the urging of the Holy Spirit to continue (besides, it’s because of Him that I even can write this anyway), there might have been something else to be lit in the “lightbulb” moment. I also found, that whenever I write in regard to facing me in the mirror and the deepest parts of my inner most self, the evil one doesn’t care for that. He doesn’t want me to let go…because that is when some of my biggest walks have occurred. But ya know…”bring it” Never give up, Never surrender!
Well not getting back to the journey at hand..I will continue, as I pray you all do, always moving forward (even if it is baby steps, just don’t stop completely), giving up is never an option. We are all giving a great plan, and plan to prosper us we just need to stay the course, picking up our “crosses” daily, yes daily…And honestly the only way we can do this is with Christ! Step by Step…
So the journey continues………………………