pity party…..table for one

In the earbuds;         Our God                Chris Tomlin

James 1:2,3     Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. 3) Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. (AMP)

I have amazed myself yet again, I do not know why I am so amazed……… amazed that I can still be blind sided with “stuff”. One would think that I could see it coming….coming up the road in front of me, where there would be enough time to quickly move out of the way, look the other way, or just take another route around it. I know that at this point in my journey I am learning and growing. There is no longer any “stuff” from the path that lays behind me,nothing lurking in the darkness, just waiting to pounce upon me unexpectantly. What is coming…is coming from in front of me…new trials, new pains, just new things that make their way underfoot as I walk this path.

Now onto the “stuff”….Sometimes, I forget how I acted toward my mother, how unloving as a teenager I was (in the day)….who by the way, was and is the most hardworking, self sacrificing woman of God I had ever met..or will ever meet again. That being said, I have felt the heart ache that my mother must have felt, hers on a daily basis I am sure. My offspring….. Don’t get me wrong, my babies…children…I mean young adults are by far so much “better” than we were (my 5 brothers and sisters).  As I cooked dinner last night alone, set the dinner table alone, I pondered…ok, I stewed over why I only seem to see my offspring when they are hungry or when they need to spend some money.. At that point, I started to make my invite list for my pity party I was planning….the list was really short, there was only one name on it, mine…me…poor pityful me…

So as I sat at the table with “these” people, the people who I had given life to…diapered their bottoms (and that was not the highlight of my day) and drove them around as the colic had made their tummies hurt so bad they couldn’t stop crying…get the picture…..ME and THEM. My husband, knowing the look on my face and what it meant stayed clear, the older (22) son came to apologize later, not even sure why or what he had done…but apologized non the less (he will make a good husband), of course the other two kids had no idea of the depth of my sorrows… as the evening continued in the party (pity) mood, I stayed to myself seemingly enjoying my party (pity). My sleep of course was very uncomfortable, I do remember waking up in the middle of the night in a sleepy haze,praying for forgiveness…praying that God would forgive me for my wallowing in self-pity, and allowing this self-pity to ruin my and others evening.

As I awoke this morning, there was regret, however, no condemnation…We all go through these times, times where we feel unappreciated…But God appreciates me! where I feel unloved…But God loves me…BUT GOD….

I smiled while writing this today, I know my kids love me very much, I also know that until they mature and grow on their paths that they may not be totally aware of my mothering brilliance (so to speak)….I also know that maybe for the next little while on my path, there will be a visitor and its name is MENO. I do pray that there will be fewer parties to attend (pity) in my honor. I will continue to keep a forward moving progress, where growth is evident…and trials are expected.

Oh and everyday, I will call my mom and tell her just how wonderful she is, and how appreciated she is…all the days of her life.



About On the Vine

A child of the Most High, just on my journey with Him. Thoughts and observations from just me to you.
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