After much contemplation on whether I should or should not blog this entry, I decided to go ahead.There are a few reasons why I did decide to publish this … One of the biggest reason is why I even blog in the first place, why I share my journey that I am on is that maybe something I am going through, been through or fighting going through will help someone else know that they are not alone, not in spirit or here on this earth. Sometimes, I think that I am alone in my feelings, trials, and/or journeys that I go through. And although my main and only real strength comes from my love for God and his love for me, I do find some sense of peace knowing others are in similar journeys, a kinship of sorts. So with that, here goes;
In my ear; Tenth Ave North on Pandera….Hallelujah
Psalms 37:7 Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him: Fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass. (Rest in: Heb. Be silent to)
My heart rejoices as I listen to my (the) music, all the world outside my ear buds is virtually squelched, all I hear is the voices of praise in my eargate. My spirit does soar to this sounds that almost envelope me, for the time being, the praising sounds lighten up my spirit within this body that is it lodged.
It has come to my attention (again), that a fork seems to be put in the road in which I have been traveling….My path, which over the years, had changed from a wide road which many had traveled to a more narrow path, where there is now a fork laid on it, only leaves one of two ways to venture down. This fork contains two ways to go, one the comfortable one the one where I know what to do and how to do it.. The path that for the wrong motives, I pursued with vigor I might add, ….the other fork is the one that has been placed within my path many times before but I steered clear of because of many reasons; fear, unsure, uncertain of the many things that lay down that path.
The path of comfort, I originally took many years ago (when I say many, I mean a way long time), finds me changed, I have changed from the child that I was when I first ventured onto this particular path….I orginally took this path, because of pressure from others, and pressure from inside my soul that hungered for acceptance and respect from others. And while on this path, the road was hard, rough and stressful. I really never achieved what I thought my soul hungered for, it was a fight all the way and the approval I wanted never really appeared. There were many times I have wanted to leave this path, however, fear and lack of confidence kept me dredging up and down this path…..
Now this new fork, not really new it has come within my path before, but “I” passed it up for my current path, it has once again come where there is a choice to make. My spirit longs for this path of the unknown, this path where I feel free, where my true “self” can emerge. Where I can be peaceful, letting my innermost self, the real me be let out for many to see, (some have already seen glimpses of me) The person, I believe that God wants me to be, God has given me some particular gifts that I rarely use, or share. All I can say is that the deepest most part of my being, my spirit is where the Holy Spirit lives and this place is where my desire is bubbling up from.
I can tell you, I am scared, my logical mind is afraid. Am I a quitter? Why would I even think this way, I was a high school drop out, I have achieved more than most people thought possible, myself included. I have prayed, and prayed (God only needs to hear me once)…and now I have to be quiet, silent, still……My mind confuses me, that’s where the fear is…And I know that God is not the God of confusion. So for this moment, I am still……. he always comes in time~