Psalm 39;4-5 Lord, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days, that I may indeed know how frail I am. Indeed, you have made me days as handbreadth. And my age is as nothing before you; Certainly every man at his best state is but vapor.
In my ear; All Creatures #2 David Crowder Band
How can this be?…50, fifty, half-century, old…..What has happened? I remember thinking my Aunt was old when she turned 50 (sorry Aunt Gerri), am I that old? *no comment from the peanut gallery. This feeling is surreal. Now I know why some people say “It’s only a number” because, actually that’s what it feels like this morning. Now the leading up to today was a little stressful, and sad for me. All those things, all those I shoulda, coulda, and wouldas. All those dreams and desire unfulfilled…Then this day finally came, and as I sit here..not much pomp and circumstance, no trumpets or fanfare…I find that when I am thinking about my life to this point…It’s the shoulda, couldas and wouldas that have made me who I am today and that is ok with me. And as for the dreams unfulfilled, I am just beginning to see who I am, to appreciate who God has called me to be. There is still much desire, dreams and passion within my spirit that can still be fulfilled. I do believe that this next portion of life is going to be why I was here to begin with! (now that is exciting).
Now as of the desires of my heart and my dreams, even if nothing else happens for and to me, God has fulfilled the biggest desire of my heart, it was to be a mom. I have been blessed by giving birth to three of the most incredible, unique human beings ever~ and God being God also pared them with the greatest husband that a woman could ever have. Although we couldn’t be more different, its our differences that make us complete~! This journey, this life that I have been blessed with, has had its sadness, and even sometimes tragic situations as well as very unique to say the least. God has takes and uses all the situations of our life to mold us into the best “us” that can be achieved. Do I wish that I would have taken the easier, nicer and more expected path…hummm sometimes sure~ But good, bad or indifferent I have had quite a ride so far, and if written down sometimes unbelievable. So I have no regrets at all.
And although today does bring a little expectations unrealized, some things (people) I wish would think about that would show me that they are just glad I am here. But even with those feelings that I was wrestling with these past days, seem to have disappeared. God is so good! It is all good. I still live for the audience of ONE, the only one that can not ever disappoint. And the fact that HE understands me, loves me and accepts me is all I need today or any day.
So there it is, today is my birthday…my 50th. Still feels weird to say it, but it is what it is….still too young for the discount, but hey something to look forward to. My body feels it, but my mind, spirit and the very “me” doesn’t feel any age at all. It reminds me that, we are as a vapor…and that my days are in His hands. I will be spending the morning washing the age off the roof. Then a nap hahah. I am at peace with today, I am just going to enjoy everything and everyone God has blessed me to put in my path.
Thank you Lord for giving me life…and for loving me enough to give me to a woman who you trusted to care and love me forever. I know that you personally picked her out for me.